A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy
yells to the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?'

A deathly silence transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice,
the
woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know
something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6'
tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman
sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your
right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously,
Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, “How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, with a typical blank ditsy look, quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.


The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."


A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, " the blonde replied, "....and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."


Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
"And by the way....., " the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheely
bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so
he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still
can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...........

"Harro", says the Jappy chappy.

"Hi mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toiret I told you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate", says the dustman.........."you're misunderstanding me -
where's your wheely bin?"


"Ok" "Ok", says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank".

Back in the Wild West, a group of cowboys and Chinese workers are building a railway. The foreman realises one day that they are going to run out of food in a couple of days. He cant spare any of the cowboys, so he calls aside this Chinese guy and explains that he is to go back to the nearest town, 2 days ride away, and to get some supplies. He gives him enough money and the only horse and sends him on his way.
4 days pass and the Chinese guy still hasnt come back. The foreman figures he got delayed somewhere but that he'll arrive the next day. He doesnt. Or the next day. Or the next. After the next day, with no food left, they abandon the job and start walking towards the town. Another day passes and still no sign of the Chinese guy. On they walk. After 4 days of walking with no food or water in the baking heat, only a few survive.
On the fifth day of walking, the foreman crawls around a corner in the canyon and sitting in front of him is a huge box wrapped in sparkly yellow wrapping paper with a big shiny red ribbon on top. Totally confused he struggles to his feet and staggers over. He reaches out to take lift the lid off. As soon as his fingers touch it, the Chinese guy bursts out through the top of the box shouting "Supplies!"


er, sorry..

Why Parents Drink


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the
whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded
like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search
team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little
frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle:

"ME."

Don't get it............?

I think thats class, haven't heard it for a while but it brilliant everytime

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Ø I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'


Ø Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


Ø I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it
is.'


Ø I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'


Ø I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I
said 'No, just a watch.


Ø I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The
bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'


Ø My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.


Ø I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He
said, 'You've got cholera.'


Ø I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.


Ø I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put
it down.


Ø I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.


Ø The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'


Ø This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'


Ø I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having
me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.


Ø I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a
skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'


Ø This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'


Ø I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull
goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'


Ø I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me
I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'


Ø I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't
swing a cat in there.


Ø I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on
the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.


Ø I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


Ø I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays.'


Ø I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The
Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'


Ø A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man
replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to
die.'

i like the peter kay one liners:
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'
-----
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
asked him to forgive me.
-----
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale
and sold the engine?
-----
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
-----
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
-----
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-----
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
-----
well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
-----
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
-----
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have
a good hand.
-----
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
-----
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
-----
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
-----
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
-----
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
-----
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
-----
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.
-----
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer, from London, and is
certain that he has a better
education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and
have some fun at the Garda's
expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop
sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And
registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and
registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between
'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not,you let me go and don'tgive me the ticket.'

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.


The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of
the lawyer with it and says,
'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Thick Irish accent asked "What are you selling' here One of the men replied sarcastically,"We're selling arse-holes."Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said


"You are doing well ... Only two left!"

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you
open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour
coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Chelsea fans. They're heartless, spineless,
gutless and their heads and arse's are interchangeable